How to prepare a child for the death of a loved one

Newborn to 2 years old

• Infants and toddlers will not understand what happens when someone dies, but they may be able to sense that others are sad around them.
• The best thing you can do for children in this age group is to maintain a predictable routine for them. (i.e. wake up, have breakfast, story time, bring them to babysitter, craft time, dinner, two books, bedtime). Try to keep things the same every day as to give them a sense of security and predictability.
• Have a consistent caregiver for them (try not to take them to 3 different babysitters during the week).
• If they are asking where the loved one is, try to tell them in simple terms. “Grandma died. Grandma won’t be coming back.” They may ask this again and again, this is normal because that is how they are processing the situation.

Should we bring them to the funeral?

This age group can go to a funeral. They will not understand what is happening and they may become more confused (Why can’t I go by grandma?; Why is grandma in a box? Why is everyone crying?). It may be more beneficial to have them stay home with someone they feel comfortable with. If you do want them to go, they may only tolerate a short time of being there. Make sure someone is able to leave with them if they need to leave.

3- 5 year olds

• When describing death use the words dying, death, dead; avoid using euphemisms such as: 
  •  “It’s like they are sleeping.” (They may correlate sleep with death.)  
  • “They are on vacation.” (They may wonder when they are coming back from vacation. They may also be very scared when another loved one really does go on vacation.)
  • “They passed away.” (Children have no idea what the word “passed” means.)
• Explain to your child in very simple terms what dying means. (i.e. “When grandma’s body dies, she will not be able to eat, breath, sleep, etc. Grandma’s body will stop working.”)
• At this age, they do not understand that death is forever. The child may ask you several times “What happened to grandma? Where is she again?” This is very appropriate for children of this age to ask because they are processing the information. Just continue to answer the child as factually and simply as possible. Example: “Grandma had cancer. The doctors tried to give her medicine to get her better. The medicine did not work and grandma died. Do you know what this means?”
• Children at this age may be fearful if someone they loved died, then maybe there will be more people that will die around them. A way to help this is to make sure the child knows that someone will always be there to love them and take care of them.
• Another fear of a child at this age is that they did something to cause the illness or that because they were naughty, then that is why their grandma is going to die. Reassure them that it was nothing that they did to cause the person to get sick and die.
• Often children may not know the difference between kinds of illnesses. Make sure you tell them that they cannot “catch” a person’s illness. Let them know that even though they may have kissed or hugged the person, does not mean they will catch what they had.
• After you tell your child that the loved one is going to die, it is very common for children of this age to not cry. That is okay because they don’t understand the finality of the situation. It’s more common to see children of this age cry later on when they are missing that person or something reminds them of that person.
• It is common for this age group to start acting out death. You may see your child “play funeral” with their dolls or blocks. This is all okay and normal because playing is another way children process situations. 

Should we bring them to the funeral? 

Yes they should go to the funeral especially if they are very close to the person that died. The best way to help them is to prepare them for the funeral. Example: “We are going to a funeral for grandma. Grandma’s body will be in a box. You don’t have to go up to the box if you don’t want to. Grandma’s body will not be working (she can’t talk, eat, breath).” Have a constant caregiver with them in case they would like to leave. Do not force them to go up to the casket.